I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
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5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
How to find Kentucky on a map
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.