BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
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they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people