Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
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Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…