Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
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Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Raisins are grape jerky.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?