i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
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I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.