Deer are just ballerina dogs
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picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
so weird how every mom was born today
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.