My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
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Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.