I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
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Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
My therapist after every session
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.