Wireless bra? What’s the password?
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1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.