My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
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I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
I’m about to risk it all
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”