It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
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When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
#parenting
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
This will teach them to underestimate me
no their not
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
🤔😂😂
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”