The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
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Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Breaking news:
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”