My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
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Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12