Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
The three genders
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Choose your fighter
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Oceanography is all about current events
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
The first matador