All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
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My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time