H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
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Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Beauty and the Beast
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
turtles are just lizards who work in construction