My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
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Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
181.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.