I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
You Might Also Like
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Rambo Rambow
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.