“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
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Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
FINE, I WON’T.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
pictures of spider-man
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?