dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
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When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
what does he know…
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
#SCOTUS one-star review
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.