What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
馃槀馃槀馃槀
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Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 馃檪
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
I鈥檓 going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Picture this. You鈥檙e blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You鈥檙e surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you鈥榲e got extra mac & cheese I鈥檒l be right over.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.