Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
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I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
scares
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it