An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
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Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Good point.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab