[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
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I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
PARKOUR
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art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”