keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
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I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay