Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
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The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Me :
All Day At Night
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.