*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
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*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
According to math, I’m broke
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname