“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
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1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
The news
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.