“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
You Might Also Like
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
can you read it!!??
maan!
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
he looks great for his age
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff