[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
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Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
no their not
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Good news
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice