I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
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Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”