colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
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80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.