Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
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Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.