There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
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*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible