I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
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I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
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WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
how to exercise your calf muscles