“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
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Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)