I love the smell of relapse in the morning
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[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.