I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
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I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…