I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
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Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
💁🏻♂️
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops