me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
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my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?