It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
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A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep