Kids forever killing vibes đź’€
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ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
My safe word is Worcestershire
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
yeah not falling for this one
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
can’t talk my ride’s here