an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
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Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs