me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
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all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend