(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
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It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.