As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
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I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Me too door. Me too.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards