Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
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This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
any last words?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.