Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
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“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else