My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
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Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.