*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
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Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
🤣
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.